coming home

Coming Home




Tears dripping off my jaw bone, they start by lingering around the top of my eyes before sliding down to the lip that is my lid. Dark red veins pop out the whites of my eyes are now immersed in roots of red. My face quivers, like a rolling .9 earthquake. My throat is so dry that each breath taken is forced straight back out, it’s as if it’s repelling it, screaming “no I don’t want this poison”. Yet it has to be taken for it is my medicine. My head droops and my facials say it all, I am in complete denial about this feeling. But I cant no more. I push and I shove, I run around taking the dog for a walk. I race mums car, doing over the 110 km/h limit she has set me. I want to destroy everything, I want oblivion, yet I can’t have it. My sledge hammer has smashed my brain, my heart to juice. I try, I really do, I try really hard to convince myself otherwise, yet I can’t and it’s killing me, my soul is at thy mercy.

Pulling up outside the garage, I know this aint right, but the temptation is too strong. Two years it’s been, and I’m going to give it all up on the whim of this!!! I can’t afford it, but that doesn’t stop me. I don’t drag myself in, more I slide in, not noticing the people about. As I ask the petrol man for a packet of Marlborough 25’s I say to myself “is it really worth it, is thy really worth it?” “Are you alright pal?’ the petrol man says. With my mask magically glued to my face I reply ‘sweet as mate”. The cigarette is lit before I leave the shop.

If there’s anywhere I want to be right now, it’s within those four walls I feel most secure. My heart beats faster and my nerves show their true colours, and it’s not because of the smoke. For the first time in my time being there, a no-mans land has been found. With new rooms open for exploration, the choice is mine to be taken. But I’m shit scared of what I’ll find within. It feels like it’s more than just a fight this time, it could be just tanty, yet they haven’t been this long before. And I know the time will ny be thin when I ask myself is it really worth coming home to her. And performing these actions that are so hard to break, yet have made me who I am today